Why is it that it is hardest to be honest with the people that we’re closest with? Most of us have no problem saying what we really think to a stranger who annoys us or getting super real on Twitter, yet the thought of telling anyone we’re close to what we really think can be absolutely terrifying. What’s up with that? It’s magnified even more when what you have to say isn’t the most positive thing. It can be hard to explain to a guy what you want in bed without sounding pushy, or worse– bruising his ego. So what’s the best way to do it?
1. Give him positive feedback about ways he leads you that work positively for you
These positive comments don’t have to be specifically sexual, and in fact, it’s best if at least half of them aren’t. When you give positive feedback about ways that he leads you well, he thinks about how those same actions might work in bed. (Remember: men are always thinking about sex).
2. Make Him Think It Was His Idea
Another trick is to find out what he likes first. Some guys might not be as in touch with their style in bed, but they at least watch porn and know which page has their favorite videos…right? If you get him to dish on what he likes in bed and it ends up being what you like, you won’t even have to ask him to do that kinky thing you like, because he’ll already be hyped to do it! There’s nothing better than getting what you want without your man realizing that you’re getting exactly what you want.
3. Ask during foreplay
Don’t wait until you’re in the heat of the moment to spring something new and different on your partner; it may catch them off-guard and ruin the mood. On the other hand, don’t bring it up out of the blue when their mind is probably focused on other things besides sex, either.
“You want to do it when he or she is listening and open to suggestions, and foreplay is the perfect time for that.” Foreplay doesn’t have to mean only the moments immediately before sex, either. “Bring it up over a romantic dinner, when you’re kissing, or even when you’re in the car on your way to a romantic weekend or on the way home from the movies.”
4. Show Bae
Are you having trouble communicating what you want? Or do you find it difficult to do? Instead of chatting, show bae by doing it yourself. Not only will it make things crystal clear, bae will also find it super hot.
5. Avoid Jokes
It’s easy to downplay constructive criticism by making it seem like a joke, but you’ll probably just end up confusing bae. If you want to say something, make it clear, otherwise your SO will have even less of a clue what you want in the bedroom.
6. Sit in a bathtub with candlelight and talk to him about what you want sexually
If you want something but you don’t know how to tell him, here’s one way: sit in a bathtub together “spooning” so that you’re not looking at his face. Use candles so there’s no much light. Then try telling him. Don’t like the bath idea? Try in bed, in the dark, with him hugging you while you’re facing away. The three key ingredients here are: physical contact, so you feel accepted; little light, so you’re not as self-conscious; and not looking into his face so you’re not worried as much about what he’s thinking.
You can also make this easier by having him share something, too, so it’s not only you opening up.
7. Write down some new things you’d like to try
Another version of the above: Write down 3-4 things you’d like to try on small slips of paper, and have him do the same thing. Put your papers in an envelope and his in an envelope, and every few weeks one of you draws out a piece of paper and you do what it says. That way you’re each trying what the other person wants.
8. Frame it with compliments
Chances are, your partner will be intrigued by any ideas you have about changing things up between the sheets, but it’s easy to worry that he or she might be intimidated or even insulted, instead. One way to prevent that, says Cadell, is to be sure you’re also showering him or her with plenty of praise for what you love about them sexually, as well.
“Tell him he’s the best lover you’ve ever had and that you fantasize about him when he’s not there—anything to boost his ego so he’s feeling confident in his abilities.
9. Make It About Both Of You
If you want to have a proper talk, tell bae you want to discuss things that will take your sexy time fun to the next level. When you’re discussing what you like and don’t like, try to phrase things by using *we* instead of *me* or *you.* It’ll make it sound less accusatory.
10. Turn It Into A Sexy Game
Get creative with your communication! Get bae to write down all of the things he/she like during sexy time then you do the same. Make sure to leave off anything you don’t like then exchange lists. Then you can start working your way down the lists.
11. Leave some lingerie somewhere he can find it–with a note
Finally, this one isn’t for the faint of heart. But if you’ve been opening up with your husband more and telling him what you’d like, you’re likely finding that he isn’t taking it as an insult. He’s probably really excited about this turn in your relationship! So add to the fun by letting him know what’s coming. Leave him notes about what you want to do tonight in bed, or, even better, hide a piece of lingerie that you haven’t worn in a while somewhere where he’ll find it, along with a note. Don’t put it in a place where he’d discover it with others there–like in his briefcase. But you can put it in a pocket, in his underwear drawer, in the passenger side of his car to see when he drives off to work, etc.