Break ups are a painful but inevitable part of life. No matter the circumstances that caused the break-up, afterwards many people feel sad, lonely, and depressed. The upside of a break-up is that such a dramatic change can be a great catalyst for reinventing yourself. All your emotions will be swirling in a tempest of pain and raging raw feeling, and it will seem like it’s going to go on forever. It won’t though. Eventually you’ll be fine – and move on stronger than you were before.
There are several ways you can minimize the pain of a breakup so you can move on faster. And these actions aren’t so much what you can do, but what you do not do. You see, many post-breakup behaviors can be emotionally charged and destructive. But by choosing not to take action on these behaviors, you’ll be able to move forward faster and welcome the new life experiences that await you.
For the dumped, there are things that one shouldn’t do after break-up:
1. Trying to stay in contact with your ex
If there was only one thing we could tell you about what not to do after a break-up this would be it. Staying friends with your ex post break-up is a terrible idea. If it’s because you feel guilty, then all you’re doing is leading them on. If you do decide you want to win your ex back, the only way is in fact “to show him that you have moved on to bigger and better things.” Use the breakup as a wake-up call to change things about yourself that you don’t like” and go from there. If he or she wants you back, good. If not, you’re better off without him or her.
2. Social media-stalk your ex
We know; you’ve spent months or even years knowing almost every detail of your partner’s life and now, nothing. You’ve been totally cut off. But whatever you do, try to resist the temptation to keep a foothold in their life by checking up on them. This is especially important if you have mutual friends; asking your friends to let you know how he or she is doing or whether they’ve been spotted with anyone else is just asking for trouble and delaying your recovery. Instead, ask your friends to respect your break-up and keep the conversation away from your ex.
3. Abuse drugs and/or alcohol
The word “breakup” is basically code for 2 bottles of Pinot Grigio and a wild night out with your best friends. But while it may seem like the easiest short-term solution to numb the pain, alcohol can only exacerbate the emotions you’re feeling and invite more drama into your life. Not to mention, alcohol has a wicked way of making you think something is a good idea at the time, such as drunk dialing your ex.
4. Have break-up sex
Remember that you broke up for a reason and that you don’t have sex with people you’re trying to get over. This is especially important if you’re a woman, since during sex, a hormone called oxytocin (or the dreaded “cuddle hormone”) is released in the female body; this is lethal for getting over someone as it makes you trust your partner more, lowers your defenses, increases levels of empathy and it puts you at risk for falling right back in love.
5. Bad-mouthing your ex
If your ex comes up in conversation when you’re not yet over them, keep it short and sweet to avoid sliding into that dark space. Although you might think you’re tainting that person’s ideas about your ex-flame by talking shit, you’re really tainting their view of you. Bitterness is not a cute look on anybody, and talking about your ex negatively never has the outcome you want it to.
6. Jumping into a rebound relationship
We know that rebound sex is not the way to fix a broken heart, but what about rebound relationships? Rushing into a new relationship too quickly, or jumping back into dating or a casual relationship just so they don’t feel alone and uncomfortable.” It’s perfectly natural to miss your ex and the affection he or she gave you, but replacing him or her ASAP is not the solution. Your new fling is most likely not right for you, and someone will end up getting hurt. Think about your new SO’s feelings—would you want your new SO to still have feelings for someone else?
7. Avoiding your friends
When we’re upset or in a state of mourning, it’s normal to want to be alone. But avoiding your friends and others who care about you is one of the worst things you can do after a breakup. Dealing with difficult emotions in solitude will only cause your mind to wander and even obsess over details or situations that do not serve you. Hang out with people that appreciate you and remind you of what a good person you are. “This is when having a strong support network is essential because friends can show you that you still matter and that you still belong.
8. Beg for reconciliation
Maybe you don’t understand why it ended. Maybe you think it ended for the wrong reasons. Maybe you’d just rather be in a bad relationship than be in no relationship at all. Don’t beg for him/her to return. Deep down, you know that you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone you had to beg to be with you. Besides, if your ex rejects you a second time, it won’t just hurt; the rejection will sting with extra humiliation and regret. It might not feel like it right now, but being alone is far better than being in a bad relationship.
9. Give up hopes
One of the worst things you can do after a breakup is turn your feelings off. She wasn’t the one. He made you feel like nothing. Don’t let a breakup destroy hope. Continue taking care of yourself. Take some time to refocus and pursue the things you’ve always loved to do. Spend time with loved ones. Love isn’t a one-shot-only experience.
Relationships are two-way streets, and no one is perfect. We’ve all done things in relationships that we wish we could take back, said harsh words that we wish we had never said or acted in a way that we’re embarrassed by now. That’s part of growing up. We learn from those mistakes and become better partners because of it. The best way to cope is always to love yourself first and allow relationships to flow in and out of your life. Some will last a lifetime, others won’t, and that’s perfectly okay. If you stay strong and confident, you’ll soon be ready for the next person who comes your way!