Break Up Rules for Sensible People

You know how if you get married you can agree to some rules to abide by if the relationship does not survive? I decided that there should really be rules to avoid pain, humiliation, embarrassment, and misunderstanding when you reach the end of a relationship with someone you’re dating. It’s not about money or possessions in this case. It’s just about dignity.

So I wrote these break up rules. Feel free to adopt them and adapt them for your lovely self.

Break Up Rules:

If you want to date me, you have to agree to the following rules, in the unhappy event that we break up:

1. You must never speak ill of me, whether I am dead or alive.
2. Don’t really speak of me at all, except to say very cursory vague things like, “They’re a great person.”
3. Absolutely don’t tell anyone ever what went south in our relationship. Say something akin to, “we wanted different things.”
4. Swear to keep every secret I ever told you and take it to your death bed with you.
5. It’s okay if you tell people I’m “the one that got away.”
6. If we used to get coffee together, find a new coffee shop. That’s my coffee shop we were going to.
7. If we used to go to yoga together, find a new yoga studio. That’s my yoga studio.
8. If we hung out at the pool together, find a new pool. That’s my pool.
9. Now that I think of it, don’t go anywhere we used to go together. I’m still going there and I don’t want to see you there.
10. When you date someone new, they need to be at least half your age plus half your age. Otherwise people will think you want to be worshiped and that you have the maturity of someone half your age.
11. When you date someone new, you can’t bring them to my coffee shop, my yoga studio, or my pool. Remember, these are all places you should not be going to anyway!
12. Actually, when you date someone new, just pick one place that you never went with me, like the library, and only ever take them there.
13. Don’t text/email/call me when your therapist is unavailable to you. I’m not a drop in, stand in therapist for you.
14. Be my friend after 6 months have passed.
15. Continue to offer to fix my truck.
16. Don’t ever speak to me of the downside of our relationship again. Don’t say a single negative thing about me, to me, ever again. This is why I broke up with you, so that I wouldn’t have to have these conversations.
17. Don’t unfriend me on Facebook but don’t ever comment on anything I post until 6 months have passed, and then comment once every three months.
18. If you get married, don’t tell me! Absolutely don’t send me a personal message telling me. I will find out. DO NOT INVITE ME TO YOUR WEDDING.
19. Yes you can stay friends with my brother. But keep it on the downlow. Don’t show up to his birthday parties.
20. YOU MAY NOT NAME YOUR FUTURE CHILD AFTER ME!