Why Men are More Distant in Relationships Than Women

Have you often wondered why men and women tend to approach relationships differently? In all honesty, I can’t tell you how many times my girlfriends have approached me with their stories featuring their husband or boyfriend as a “distant” figure that doesn’t “get it.”

The study shows that, generally, women are more invested in their relationships than men and that their happiness and well-being is more dependent upon how things are going in their intimate relationships.

Is this a surprise to you? It’s not a surprise to me.

After all, who’s usually the one who recognizes when things in the relationship aren’t working too well? The woman. Who is it that typically seeks professional help for the relationship? The woman. Who is it that mostly spends time reading self-help books and going to seminars about relationships? The woman. But why is it this way?

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Women are biologically wired as the nurturers. They’re the ones with the skills to anticipate the needs of their partners, take care of nurturing the relationship and do the problem solving when things have gone awry. Men are more biologically wired as the providers and protectors. It’s not that the relationship isn’t important to them; it’s just that they show it in different ways — by working hard, establishing a career, and maintaining an emotional distance.

You may ask yourself, “How can I change him? How can I make him more involved in this relationship?” I say, you shouldn’t — so don’t even try.

The simple fact is that men and women are different. 

They tend to have different benefits in relationships but they are both interested in intimacy. Young adult women tend to focus mostly on their need for connection. This manifests in having children, creating homes, and nurturing their intimate relationships. That’s not to say women don’t have careers. They do but most prioritize these connecting activities.

This dynamic tends to shift in middle age as children leave home. Women believe they’ve invested and sacrificed for their family and now it’s their turn. They go back to school, change careers or develop their own businesses. At this same stage of life, men tend to realize their children are gone and they missed a lot. They’re tired of the rat race and feel ready for connection. So, in a lot of ways, men and women flip roles.

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These differences make relationships interesting. Imagine if both of you focused on connection at the same time. You’d feel blissfully happy with each other … but nothing would get done. Similarly, if you are both primarily focused on significance, then you’d have financial success … but have little in the way of intimacy.

Recognize the differences. Embrace the differences. And appreciate what you both bring to your relationship (and don’t forget to tell each other of your appreciation). Allowing each person to embrace who they are and celebrating that will do the best job to increase the intimacy in your relationships.

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Out of 341 people studied in-depth, it was discovered that:

1. Women tend to look at relationships as a “team sport” that requires equal input by both partners, whereas the majority of men value their individuality to a greater degree.

2. Men are more likely to place their romantic relationships on equal (but different) footing with their closest friendships.

3. Men don’t usually bind their happiness and contentment with their relationships. On the other hand, women place a much greater importance on both their romantic relationships and close friendships for their happiness.

4. Women indicated they prefer cooperation to competition with their best friends, and usually place their romantic partner on a pedestal.

5. Both sexes reported “romantic extremes” with their romantic partners, which are often buffered by a best friend.

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